Clueless about being clueless

By | Case Study, Emotional Intelligence, Resilience Strategy | No Comments

There is an assumption in psychological and spiritual circles that other people, irritating as they sometimes can be, act as a mirror.  That what we react to and dislike in them is a reflection of how we also behave.  Except that we do not know that we are doing versions of the very thing that they are doing.  It takes a leap of faith to accept this assumption.  I dislike pedophiles, and I am not a pedophile and never have been.  But I have ever in my earlier life manipulated, overpowered, or humiliated a person more vulnerable than me.    As I understand the concept, the issue isn’t necessarily that I need to behave in exactly the same way as the person who offends me, but that my intense dislike or judgment of them is the first clue that their behavior is triggering something important in me .   “Joe” is a an excellent example of someone who creates this effect in many people. Read More

Adding Value: how our desire to help is not always helpful

By | Emotional Intelligence, Interpersonal Skills, Resilience Strategy, Strategic Coaching | No Comments

In the investment banking world that I recently left, part of the culture required that each person comment on, question, or improve on other people’s draft reports, memos and ideas.  Not commenting on or questioning a colleague’s draft work meant on some level that you weren’t engaged or paying attention.  The point was to show your value: everywhere, all the time, colleagues would subsequently correct a typo, rewrite or move a sentence around, or ask whether you had considered alternative perspectives.  No one ever said your work was “fine just the way it is.”

Most of the time, that scrutiny helped improve the work.  And most of us learned over time not to be defensive and to accept the input gladly.

And I have observed that outside of work settings, many people find it difficult, if not impossible, to refrain from commenting and giving advice when they are in conversation with another.  It seems that impulse to add value, value being defined as whatever you think, is more universal than not.  Even more interesting is when the advice  given involves common sense platitudes seem extremely applicable to whatever the other person is saying to you.

Listen to this audio clip above where I describe how a fellow classmate from a course I took applied the idea that people should be “whole and complete” before they begin dating.  I wonder how many times I myself have wanted to add value by introducing what I consider “common sense” advice into the conversation

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